Monday, November 27, 2006
I do not know what happened to me today. I was just struck by a feeling of loneliness and depression which could not get out of my system, even with basketball. This cursor has probably been blinking for 5 minutes before this sentence finally makes its way. And it takes another 5 minutes before this sentence is done. I can't really explain the circumstances on why I'm suddenly melancholic, but I think I have an inkling on what caused it.
I've been in a relationship for roughly 14 months officially, and a lot more months unofficially. Lately I've just been insecure about it.
Am I really worth it? Do I really matter? Are you really secure with me?
Some days I know the answers to all these questions, other days I just sit tight and keep quiet to myself, wondering what is up with me.
Today was one of those quiet days.
I just don't want to lose you. And I'm so scared. But I have to be strong.
How the f*ck did I make this such a complicated situation.
Now I am faced with Japanese and History for tonight. I hope I can concentrate.
Don't worry, I'm okay. I always am. I just need a constant hug to remind me that someone does care still.
- evenwhenmyeyesareclosed ;
11:35 PM
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Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Sometimes I feel like I care more.
- evenwhenmyeyesareclosed ;
6:51 AM
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Saturday, May 13, 2006
You know what, I really don't understand how people can just welcome back someone who's done a lot of wrong things. I don't get how everything changed in just a day. Is sorry really enough? Should apologies be listened to? I just can't leave everything behind. I wasn't part of the problem, but I feel you still hurt my friend in a way I never imagined you would. You shouldn't be forgiven just like that. It's not funny. I can't laugh it off anymore.
But all I can do is walk the corridors and say hi to you, and pretend like everything's peachy.
What a fucking unfair life.
- evenwhenmyeyesareclosed ;
9:21 AM
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Monday, February 20, 2006
I just don''t understand why your conscience isn't even bothered by what you're doing.
- evenwhenmyeyesareclosed ;
4:26 AM
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Saturday, December 24, 2005
Okay. Now that I've said everything I needed to get off my chest, I think it's best to tone down. My way of saying things probably wasn't the best way to say them, but still I did and I'm pretty satisfied with what I wrote. That was bursting out of me ever since I found out. But, after thinking about it now, I've realized that that shouldn't have been that harsh. After all, I am after their well-being and what I said probably wouldn't have helped had I sent them that. I love them both, and I guess my heart's softening again for the duo. I still don't agree with what they did, but they didn't deserve what I said.
I'm sorry.
We just need to talk and air things out.
- evenwhenmyeyesareclosed ;
8:32 PM
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Friday, December 23, 2005
If you're reading this right now, you must be Yumi, Bear, or Jiza. I don't know if anyone else will find out about this vent site of mine, but I strongly suggest that whatever you read here, stays here. And that will be the end of it. Don't ask me about it, don't talk about it, and don't try to make things better. Chances are, they will only get worse if you try anything. This is of course, if you're not one of the aforementioned people up there. So, get set to be immersed in a world I do not understand fully myself. Bear with the redundacies.
Dear Pau and Cat,
I've known you guys for around 2-3 years. We've shared a lot of things together. Pau, from all of the summer phone conversations, I got to know a part of myself that I never knew was there. I learned to converse with different people. I learned to trust people with my problems. And you were one of the people who taught me that. And you were one of my crying shoulders when my world was being shitty (along with Bear and Cat of course). Maybe I was yours too, but that's not important. What is important is that I found you to be one of the friends I could readily talk about anything under the sun. And I cherish our friendship. This just means I miss you more than you know.
Cat, what I find so rare about our friendship is the fact that we never seem to lose touch with each other even though we haven't really bonded that much. I've always told you that you're one of my constants. Plus, you introduced me to the girl I'm in love with right now, Jiza. You're an amazing writer, and I know we have a lot of dreams, from columnist to TA, to every little thing we've set our sights on. We've shared a lot of things, and you've taught me a lot. Our friendship is something that no one can explain, and what's so weird about it is it started online. Of all the places I could meet one of my closest and best friends, sa MIRC, a chatroom. Talk about rare and unusual.
But over the past days, I've been enlightened, and I just want to tell you what I think about things.
Cat and Pau, you both know I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our friendship. But what you did (and are continually doing) is just plain wrong and stupid. You guys don't seem to understand how many people you are affecting. It's gone to a point where Bear and Yumi and Jiza couldn't contain it anymore that they burst out everything to me. I admit, I was a bit shocked, but I took it in. After all, what are friends for naman diba. But once I learned that you, Pau, would be so deceptive and would actually lie to your mom about that relationship, I just sat speechless. I know your mom's your best friend, as Bear is, tapos biglang gaganunin mo nalang sila at the expense of someone who hasn't even spent half of your life with? Tangina naman Pau. Of all the people, I'd have thought you to be someone rational and caring. What I don't understand is why your conscience can take all this. Best friends mo ginagago mo. Sinasama mo pa sa kung saan saan. Tanginang manipulation. Kung ako lang sana si Bear papakita ko sa yo na puwede akong mawala at di kita kailangan. I have my ways of making people feel left out and shitty. Pero, baka nga ganun lang talaga. Maybe she's clouded your brain so much with flowery words and shit that you'd gladly take forever with her than to trust us. What's sad is you don't seem to be sorry about what you're doing. This isn't about being a Catholic, and this is being unfair to gay people. It's about your actions and your decisions. Parang niloko mo lang kaming lahat dahil lang sa kaisa-isang babae na dumating sa buhay mo. Minsan ayoko nalang talaga isipin pero nakakabaliw kasi nakikita kita araw-araw. I say hi to you, smile like I mean it, and walk away. I want to let you know I know, parang wala nang plastikan. Para alam mong tingin ko mali ka at kumakampi ako kina Bear. Walang mangyayari kung magtago ka Pau. Kung tingin mo hipokrito ako, baka ganun na nga pero at least I'm trying to do something about it. Pau, this isn't a you and me against the world with Mariel. That kind of stuff only happens in fairytales, and you're not a princess and this life is REAL. This isn't a fairytale where you can just flick it with a wand and everything's normal. Emotions build up, wrong decisions build up, problems build up until you realize you're in a hole you can't get out of. By that time you'll realize Mariel was nothing compared to us, especially to Bear, Yumi, and Jiza, the people who stood by you while you needed people. And let's not start with your mom. Di lang kumbento abot mo nun. Baka sa tingin mo ang feeling ko para sabihin tong lahat, pero yan ang lumalabas para sa akin at huwag na huwag mo sasabihing mali `to. You're not misunderstood. We know you're lesbian/bi. We know it's hard to let go. But you're not even trying. Yun lang naman habol namin eh. Na sana, subukan mong mag-ayos. This may not define you, but it sure as hell says a lot about you. Parang wala kang natutunan. Tutulungan ka na nga, iiyak ka pa tapos walang sasabihin. Tapos mumurahin mo pa yung mga taong sinusubukan kang kausapin ng matino. Nagsasawa na sila Pau, kaya sana naman subukan mo tinuan buhay mo. I don't want to hear anything about you being pressured, having a bad day, and shit like that. Tanginang mga excuse na yan. Kung ibang araw nila sinabi yun, pareho lang. Iiyak ka rin, maviviolate ka rin. I hate hearing paawa effects. This will sound so mean of me, but you deserved every single thing that happened. Sana talaga isang araw masubukan mong maglipatan kayo ni Bear ng buhay para mapansin mo kung gaano ka-hirap to para sa kanya. Okay lang sana kung galit siya eh, pero mas masakit kung nasasaktan siya. Sana nakita mo siyang umiiyak dahil sa inyo, para naman magising ka. Ugh. Just fuck it. Cat, I guess I just want to say the same thing to you, except that I know you're trying harder. Nawalan na ako ng mga salita. This is a fucked up world, and thanks to you guys I really believe in that. Sayang lang lahat ng pinagsamahan ninyo kung dahil sa dalawang babae nawalan kayo ng 4 ka best friends.
AND PLEASE STOP THE IMMORAL ACTS. LISTEN TO YOUR RELIGION. LISTEN TO JIZA. There's a FUCKING special reason why she's MAD. Nagtataka pa kayo kung bakit siya galit ng ganito. You guys are the exception, because she just couldn't stand by and be used anymore.
You know this doesn't mean we're not friends anymore. I just don't agree with your actions and I just hope you guys wake up from this trance you're in.
- evenwhenmyeyesareclosed ;
10:25 PM
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